


Go Home Adventurers!

by LocalLeaderKaz



Category: Original Work
Genre: Adventurer's Guild, Adventurers, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dungeon, Fantasy, Goat Farm, Goats, Howard of Mudtrap, Magic, Monsters, Monsters as Pets, Normal Life, Slice of Life, accidentally creating a dungeon, hunter's guild - Freeform, peasant to dungeon master, terrible naming ability
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:14:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29575164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LocalLeaderKaz/pseuds/LocalLeaderKaz
Summary: Howard of Mudtrap has always dreamed of being a goat herder! Growing up on a Cattle Ranch his parents have spent their time supporting Howard's dream. It is now time for him to set off on his own!This is a story of Howard and his journey to accidentally becoming a dungeon creator. Not that he knew that was what he was doing. He is an ordinary peasant after all.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	1. Howard of Mudtrap

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Grinagog](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grinagog/gifts).



> This is a joke. Please take it as such. If you have anything you wish to see in this joke of a story just comment below.

Far away in a small rural village affectionately named Mudtrap, lived a family of Cow Herders. Their family produced much of the milk and meat need for the village. Carl an averagely build man with shaggy sun streaked brown hair spent his days caring for the cattle that made his family possible. While Marge an average beauty with long curly dark brown hair cared for the family. 

Together they had one son named Howard. However everyone knew him as Howie. His happy go lucky energy brought life to the village and his family. Howard though had a dream! He did not want to herd cows as their large size and demeanor often caused him injury. No, he would be a herder of the majestic and intelligent goat! He had fallen in love with goats at one of the auctions his parents brought him to. 

After the show Howard explained his wish to start up a goat farm on the outskirts of Mudtrap. Carl and Marge smiled indulgently at their son and agreed. They would fully support their sons dream! After all what kind of parents would they be if they limited his life. Plus if it failed he could always come back and take over the cattle ranch. 

Determined the small family of three saved up their money to help open Howard's new farm. Ten years flew by as he learned about ranching and took up some odd jobs around the village. By this point he had managed to save up an astonishing five gold coins!

Howard smiled down at his life's fortune. Glee radiating from him as he made his way over to his parents. It was time for him to set off on his own. Granted he was only moving to the other side of the village, but it was still an adventure! His father was sitting at the kitchen table while his mother cooked over the open fire. Beef Stew being brewed with meticulous care. 

“Mother, Father! I finally have enough to start my farm!” He exclaimed loudly causing his mother to start. Yet years of experience kept the stew safe from her fright. His father on the other hand didn't even twitch. Far to used to Howard's boisterous nature. One of the many reasons for the problems his son had with the cows. Hopefully the apathetic nature of goats would be a better fit for their son.

“That is wonderful Howie. Why don't you grab the bowls? Your Father and I have something to tell you.” Howard smiled and retrieved the requested items for his mother to serve the food. Tomorrow he would set out to find he perfect area. Then he would finally be one step closer to his dream. His mother Marge watched him with a soft smile while taking her place at the table. 

Clearing his throat Carl spoke up while pulling a small sack into view. The sound of clicking hinting at its contains. “Your Mother and I have discussed this for a long time and have decided that you should take this.” He slid the bag over to Howard. Confused he untied it reveling five more shiny gold coins! Howard looked up at his father speechless. This was a lot of money to just give away. “We are thrilled you are going forward in your goals son, and wish to help.” 

Tears of joy streamed down Howard's face as he hugged his parents. They ended up throwing a small party in honor of this new chapter in his life. It was such a heartwarming scene if a touch dramatic. As was mentioned he his just moving to the other side of Mudtrap.

The next day Howard rose with the sun. An annoying rooster, that he had named Screech as a child, the cause of such a timely awakening. If left alone all in the family would appreciate the ability to sleep past sunrise, but life was not so kind this far out. So Screech lived to see another day. Much to the dismay of his mother Marge who spent the morning muttering about different rooster based dishes she was just dying to try out. 

Breakfast past quickly in the household and soon Howard wished his parents goodbye. It was time for him to find his new home! The village of Mudtrap was very small compared to the many others you could find dotted across the outskirts of the 'tamed' countryside. However despite its size Mudtrap was surprisingly diverse and when compared to others very well established. 

However like all other rural villages they were constantly under threat. Be it of attack from thieves in search of fast cash or monsters looking for a quick meal. It was not safe to wander outside the borders. This lead to Howard's dream to create a free range goat ranch as quite daring. With a skip in his step he passed the rickety little border fence. Sheets of scrap metal from broken tools dotted along to act as a warning system.

It was time to search. Howard already had an idea of where he wanted his ranch though. So it wasn't so much a search as a picking. He strolled along the dirt path leading along the forest edge. It didn't go far but Howard was sure that after he built his house and got a herd he could work on a more obvious trail to his new home. 

He hummed while traversing the tall grass. The occasional growl or snarl echoing softly from the deep woods on his left. Howard dismissed it as the monsters were not likely to leave the forest unless under threat. So he was safe. Soon the tall grass shortened erupting into a beautiful view. Hills rolled across the land like water while a relatively good sized river cut across the landscape into the foreboding forest. It was perfect. The lush grassy area would be the best feeding grounds for his goats. 

Seeing as the sun had reached its peak Howard set off to quickly build a shelter. While this would not be his permeant residence he needed someplace to rest until his real home could be built. It would take at least a week for the carpenters to come out and build it for him. Howard was many things but a craftsmen was not one of them. Finding a nice spot nestled against a slightly cliffed hill he began to create his temporary abode. 

He wandered through the grassy plains finding broken wood and logs that could help build a rough structure. Pulling out his hand spun rope he swiftly lashed the planks together using almost bolder sized rocks rolled over to hold them in place. By nightfall he had managed to cobble together a vague dwelling shaped hole. Feeling immensely proud of himself he drug his pack into the hovel and laid out his sleeping roll. 

Tomorrow he would continue working on the land and see if he couldn't get some grass cleared up. It would be a lot of work but he was more than happy to do it. As he bit into his dinner apple he thought of all the things he needed to do before he was able to buy his goats. A howl sounded in the night causing Howard to look at his brittle door. He would need something for protection of him and his tribe. Perhaps his cousin Jimmy would have a dog he could buy.


	2. The Dog

Howard stretched as he got up for the day. Today he was going to see his Cousin Jimmy in Helmshire. A large town quite a ways off from his small village of Mudtrap. Grabbing his pack and he began stuffing it full with everything he needed. The trip would take three days total if everything went well. So he had to be prepared. 

Normally he would make this journey with either his parents or friends. This would be the first time he would traverse the roads alone. Although being of twenty years Howard was more than old enough to do so. 

He had been living out on his newly claimed land for 3 days now. In that time he has managed to cut or clear a lot of grass showing the beautiful rich soil underneath. Its dark almost black coloration was beat down around his hovel to create a more solid area to walk on. 

True he had to fight with a couple of snakes that did not like him trespassing into their territory. However Howard did not grow up on a ranch without learning how to handle such pests. So the situation was quickly handled with as little screaming as possible. Not that anyone would know about the screaming.

Though he was not injury free from his home improvement efforts as his hands and arms had little lacerations from particularly difficult grass or bushes. There was even pair of clothes that he had to repurpose after he lost an argument with a particularly vicious bramble. It still sat smugly just left of his hovel as if to rub its victory in. 

Shoving the last of his rations into the pack he wandered over to the large flat bolder acting as the table. Howard plucked up a knife and sectioned off some cheese from the wheel. It had been a gift from his Mother yesterday, and should last for the next week or so. 

He frowned down at the food before deciding to wrap the cheese in a wax cloth to keep away mice and other critters while he was away. It was much too big to take with him anyways. Satisfied he left his new home to begin his journey to Helmshire. 

The day was clear with a hint of a breeze making for a comfortable walk through the now mushed grass trail. Fairly quickly it turned into a hardened dirt path cutting through Mudtrap and vanishing into the distance. 

An Oxen pulled cart slowly rolled into view headed back to Mudtrap. Five people sitting in the straw shouting and goofing off obviously having hitched a ride. Howard stepped out of the way as it rolled past catching a glimpse of weapons and armor. Howard waved at the cart shaking his head at the now identifiable adventurers. 

Truly an occupation that he did not understand. The search for adventure he could just look at what he has done in the name of such things. However to go and battle beasts just for a thrill, no. His mother while open to many things would probably skin him herself just to make it easier on the monsters. He would never partake in such foolishness. 

By nightfall he made it to the bustling town of Helmshire. The stone walls rose into the air protecting its citizens from the dangers of the outside world. Howard smiled as he showed his identification papers to the guard just missing the strange look he received for traveling alone. 

Slowly he made his way to the seedier part of town. Shouting and the smell of alcohol filling the air. Howard smiled as he came across the inn his cousin liked to stay at. A charming little place called Troll's Tap. He pushed open the door feet sticking to the floor with every step. The pungent aroma of sweat, booze, and smoke filled the air making it difficult to breath. 

Howard wasn't sure if he was cut out for life in a town, but his cousin seemed to thrive in it. Glancing around he found his target. There in the back corner surrounded by some relatively large men was Jimmy. He could just make out some faintly hissed words as he made his way over.

“.. like I don't have it see. It is just a little late.” Jimmy was saying to a larger male. His muscles seeming to have ripped out of his clothes at the sleeves permanently destroying the shirt. A black smudge of some kind lay on his arm. It was difficult to make out in the dim lights of Troll's Tap.

“Now see, you said it would be here today. Are you holding out on us Jimmy?” Drawled a bored voice in front of the muscle man letting him know that Jimmy had in fact been talking to him not the one standing. 

“No, no I am just waiting for...” Jimmy's eyes landed on Howard who had almost made it to the table by this point. “... him! I was just waiting for little ol' Howie. Now let me just go get the package from him an' I'll be right back.” 

Howard frowned as Jimmy bolted for the table and grabbed his arm. “Jimmy I don't have...” His cousin laughed loudly cutting off his protest about not having this mysterious package. 

“Right I know. You don't have the time to play around today. Not to worry it'll be quick. Right boys?” Jimmy asked the men at the table. The muscled one frowing but nodding in ascent as Howard was drug from the inn. Soon they were out the door the night air so much easier to breath despite the stench of vomit coming from one of the dark ally way nearby. 

Jimmy released a great sigh and lend on him. “Thank the goddess your here Howie. I have been trying to get away from there for the last thirty minutes. You trade up on one deal and its like the world ends for 'em. Ridiculous I tell you. Makes you wonder if they are even really business men. You know what I mean? Of corse you do. Come on, let's get out of here.” He said with a chuckle.

Despite Jimmy's assurance that obviously Howard knew what he was talking about. He did in fact have no idea what was going on and was quite confused about the whole situation. Although one thing he has learned when meeting with Jimmy is to just stay quiet when you don't know. It was better that way. 

“Now I know it is a bit rude, but I'm ganna have to ask ya to buy the dog and go. No staying in town tonight.” Jimmy dragged him down a maze of pitch black alleyways without care. Never missing a step as they went. It had always amazed Howard when they did this. “Now Aunt Marge has told me ya moved out and are lookin' to go into goat herding. Quite the change your bringin' to old Mudtrap, eh?” 

A hand shot up and forced Howard to stop as he breathed heavily from the almost run he had to do to keep up. Footsteps stomped by at the end of the ally as Jimmy stood quietly letting Howard catch his breath. As the sounds faded Jimmy started again. “Auntie Marge has said that she wanted somethin' to keep ya safe while out in the forest with the goats. It just so happens that I have this little ol' pup that needs a home.”

The alleyway widened into what looked like storage sheds. Jimmy jogged over to one of the sheds and pushed a door open silently. Howard glanced around before following Jimmy in. The man lit up a candle bringing light to the small area and causing the shadows to dance. Bright red eyes flashed in the light as low growls emitted from one of the corners. The shadows too thick to see the cause. 

“Here ya are. One bea-est pup to train. I'm sure the little tike will make a wonderful herding... dog.” Jimmy commented while eyeing the corner. Howard smiled slightly at the growls knowing it was just scared. He had always had a soft spot for dogs. 

“Come here little guy.” Howard whispered crouching down to be lower to the ground. It always soothed dogs when he did this. Slowly a rather large puppy coated in pitch black fur stepped out of the shadows. Jimmy flinched when the almost demonic red eyes landed on him before dismissing his presents. 

Howard held out his hand letting the puppy sniff it before it licked. Smiling he began petting the puppy. Ruffling up the fur and discreetly searching for injuries. It wouldn't due if he purchased a sick animal after all. Not that he believed Jimmy would do that to him. “What breed is he?” He asked Jimmy when he couldn't figure it out. He was sure he knew all the common herding breeds. Maybe it was a mix. 

Jimmy cleared his throat. “Mutt. Now I really need ta go and so do ya. So if you could just pay me the five coppers promised we can get on the way.” Looking back down at the mutt Howard nodded and fished out the money. It would be a good investment and with it so young he can train it how he wants. 

“Sure Jimmy. Here you go.” Jimmy snatched the money up without looking and dashed out the door making the mutt growl. “Huh, I guess he was late getting back to his friends.” Remembering the two men sitting at Troll's Tap. Feeling tired and not wanting to pay for an inn Howard glanced around the empty shack. “You think anyone will mind me sleeping here?” He asked the puppy.

The mutt just let out a soft woof as he pulled out his sleeping roll. As he laid down to rest after a long day of walking the pup curled up at his side. Smiling Howard pet the mutt happy about his new pet. He was now one step closer to fulfilling his dream!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there we go! Howard has now gotten a dog for his 'ranch'. He also may be a bit dense. Who knows?
> 
> Main: Howard (goes by Howie)   
> Home Village: Mudtrap  
> Father: Carl  
> Mother: Marge   
> Shady Cousin: Jimmy (Helmshire)  
> Mutt: [ no name ]


	3. Cheese Wheel

The cheese is gone. That was the first thing that Howard noticed when he made it back home. The large cheese wheel his mother gifted him as a house warming gift was gone. Wax cloth and all. The door was also open however that could have just been the wind. It wasn't a very sturdy door to begin with.

Howard stared at the empty table blankly. Worry about what his food would become if he ended up having to leave more of it alone in his home. A scuttling just outside the house just solidified the culprit in his mind.

It had been mice, rats, rodents of some kind. He just knew it. He left perfectly good food in an empty house in the fields. Nothing to guard it. Of course it would be the pests of the countryside that commandeered his food. Howard was so convinced of his theory that he completely dismissed the fact that the wax cloth was gone as well. Not a crumb in sight and no mess to clean. It was as if someone had walked into the house saw the cheese and took it.

With a huff Howard throw his pack down. The puppy exploring its new home with extreme curiosity. Strangely animated shadows ghosting in its steps. It was fine. The cheese wasn't truly a terrible loss. He still had the food he packed and he can just go buy more while he is in the village.

Sitting on the stone table Howard pet the pup and thought about what he needed to get. There was still a lot of things he needed to do before he could really buy the goats. First he needed to train the puppy to be able to herd goats. This means that he needs to ask his father for the training planks.

Next he needed to buy food. He would not be able to stay out here for long if there was nothing to eat. Plus the puppy needed food as well. Though it should be fine with cutoffs from his own meals. So it wasn't too big a concern. He would also need mouse traps to keep their food safe while he stored it. If the rodents were confident enough to invade his home and steal a whole wheel of cheese then he would need a lot.

Finally Howard needed to talk to the carpenters in town. He had his location chosen and enough space cleared off that they should be able to start work soon. The quicker he had a sturdy home the quicker he would be free of pests.

Pulling out his pouch he looked at his funds. He was down to nine gold and ten copper. Plenty for what he needed and still have a lot left for the goats. He swayed back and forth in joy. The puppy watching with confused amusement. Far too much intelligence in its eyes.

“Come on Dog. Let's go to bed. Tomorrow will be a big day.” He called while setting up the pallet on the floor. Dog, the pitch black puppy, woofed softly and bounded over. Shadows pulling up around its legs as if trying to suck it in. Howard chuckled and pet its head before falling asleep.

…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ…ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ

The day thankfully started without the obnoxious wake up call of Screech. Instead it was to the death throughs of one abnormally large rodent being dismembered by an overly enthusiastic fuzzy puppy. Shadows eroding away at the skin of the house cat sized rat. Dog, as named by its new pack leader, drug in its prize and swung it onto Howard knocking the breath out of him.

Howard started awake coughing and wheezing trying to relearn the concept of breathing. The mangled bloody lump of fur taking second place to this necessary bodily function. Once calmed down and no longer under threat of suffocation he registered the offering.

A soft smile gracing his lips. It would seem that Dog had hunted breakfast for them. He was also going to need a lot more mouse traps if the other pests were this big. After spit roasting the mouse, thankful for the lessons on cooking his mother dragged him through, the two headed to the village.

Dog bounding up and down the path filled to the brim with excited energy. The way to the village unusually absent of ambient sound. Soon they passed the fence and headed for their first stop the Hunters Guild. Every city, town, or village had a Hunters Guild. It is mandatory unlike the Adventures Guild. The Hunters Guild didn't so much take requests as it was the one to provide food and raw materials for the different places.

If a village did not have a Hunters Guild then they were not going to last long. It was impossible to provide food with just what was grown. So the Hunters Guild became a necessity. It was also convenient especially for small villages like Mudtrap when you needed to buy traps.

Howard walked into the oddly nice building in the rough rural village. Though nice was objective as it was in fact still a rural area and nice for them would be considered rundown or shoddy to a city dweller. Maybe 'rustic' if they were trying to be polite. Still it was one of the better building in Mudtrap only beat by the Village Hall. For obvious reasons.

Dog quietly followed its owner in keeping in his shadow so as not to be noticed by the strange humans. “Good morning Grover.” Howard called to a pudgy man sitting at one of the many tables around the room. Random scraps of metal, wire, wood, and rope lay scattered in front of him seemingly in chaos, but was orderly in its own way.

“Mornin' Howie. What can I do for you?” Grover asked setting down a strange rope and peg ensemble. His rough callused hands folding on the table as he gave his full attention to Howard.

“Well I just came back from Helmshire last night where I bought this pup.” He gestured down to Dog who peeked around Howard's leg when it heard the conversation drift to it. Grover barely glanced at the puppy before concentrating back on its human allowing it to fade back into the shadows. “When I got home the wheel of cheese Mother gave me was gone.”

“Ho, that is quite a waste. Marge's cheese is some of the best stuff I ever tasted. What happened to it?” Grover asked in interest pulling a strand of hair from his face and pushing it behind his ear. The leather cord holding it back chiming where the metal ends knocked. “Couldn't have been stolen if your comin' here.”

“No, it was the rats. The fields that I picked seems to be full of them. I need mouse traps to keep my food safe. They are a bit big though so I need to buy a lot.” He placed 20 copper on the table causing Grover's eyebrows to raise.

“That's a lot of traps Howie. How many rats are there? It would have to be an army if your buy this much.” He stood and made his way to the back while Howard followed. “I don't think we even have that many traps.”

“I'll just take what you have. I am waging war on the pests. They took Mother's cheese. You know how it is.” A booming laugh echoed around the building. Grover gathered all the mouse traps available shoving them into a rough sack.

“Well I hope you win this war of yours. It is a right shame to have such good cheese stolen. Especially when you had so much left.” He passed the bag to Howard and plucked thirteen coins from the table. “Let me know if you need more. With you wiping us out it will be good practice for the young ones.”

“Thanks, Grover. I'll be sure to.” Howard walked out of the guild and off to complete his other chores for the day. By the time he made it back to his hut it was almost dark. Dog wove in and out of the tall grass while Howard set the bag on the floor.

The carpenters said they could start working on the house in a couple days. While the wooden goat cut outs would be delivered tomorrow. Meaning training Dog was set to start then.

With a huff he set about placing mouse traps all along the outside of the hovel. Making a deadly barricade for all the rodents daring enough to come close to his dwelling. Then he set off placing more traps in the house. Strategically located near food containers and hidden in shady corners. Howard chuckled darkly as he observed his handy work. He couldn't wait for those pest to just try and take his food.

Satisfied it was time to go to sleep. It would be a big day tomorrow and he wanted to be well rested before he started training Dog. With a smile on his face the two fell asleep surrounded by the fifty odd mouse traps he had strewn around the property in an attempt to keep the rodents out. It was definitely the start of a war although not one with the poor local rodentia who by this point had been frightened away by the new predator in the area.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howard is a bit... oblivious I think.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it~
> 
> Comments and Kudos are very much loved!


End file.
